[ubuntu] Won't boot. possibly Update related.

Attempted to run apt upgrade.
Upgrades download and then the process fails with the following error:

Invalid argument: -c
E: Sub-process /usr/sbin/dpkg-preconfigure --apt || true retued an error code (255)
E: Failure ruing script /usr/sbin/dpkg-preconfigure -apt || true

Every single thing from this point involving apt-get gives me an error involving 'Invalid argument: -c' and a different script failing.

apt-get update <does update and then...>
Invalid argument: -c
E: Problem executing scripts APT::Update:ost-Invoke-Success 'touch /var/lib/apt/periodic/update-success-stamp 2> /devnull ||true'
E: Sub-process retued an error code

Have tried removing packages, punching the wall, screaming and violence. The first gave a similar error starting with 'Invalid argument: -c', the others all resulted in my girlfriend threatening to leave.

Please help...