[ubuntu] caot load in usb port

hi folks!i am quite impressed with this site and its contents!
not sure if anybody has had similar issue(s)but i caot load ubantu??windows xp 32 bit i believe,windows 7,instructed to access "bios menu"to change boot options,this caot be done in my laptop,no options avail.i noticed in windows several icons
regarding ubantu,but none apply as loading,ruing,installing ubantu software when device is in usb port.to make matters i am still back in the 1960 s as far as knowledge configuring issues!!
if someone could help me,i would appreciate someones time.if need more info,please ask away!
thanks
bob

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